my relationship with blogging is funny. i'm wondering why i feel so resistant to writing here, even though starting and maintaining a blog has been something i've been thinking about for about a year. i have a note in my phone of blog ideas (multiple notes, actually), and i'd like to execute them. i have this vision of sitting down in my study -- which is finally almost set up -- and turning each idea into an entry here, a log in this logbook. i like spontaneous conversational blogs like meetka's and meg's, stylish new york city women just writing about their lives and what interests them. rachel rabbit white and cat marnell have blogs, too, and my friends lily sperry and emilie engel, and moselle, and megan boyle, and aria dean used to, and theresa duncan used to. i want to place myself in this company.
i feel like my resistance comes from (a) perfectionism, and (b) a fealty to more ephemeral forms of expression (conversation, poetry read aloud, instagram stories, simple gesture and movement thru the world). but i want to lessen the grip of both these things on me. i've made progress re: perfectionism, but i'd really like to focus on reprogramming or gently nudging forward my relationship with (b) in the new year. that's because i'd like to publish more, and i'd like to start making physical objects. i want to take a metalworking class and study alchemy. my first art piece was a site-specific installation and performance work, executed over the course of one day in august 2022. ephemeral! my next pieces will be physical objects. they will have a permanence. i have poems coming out in two physical magazines, too. and i want a book.
all right, we're blogging. do you want to hear about where i am? i hope so, because i am going to tell you. if you don't want to know, you can stop reading now. for those of you who do want to know, i am in some random cafeteria in union square. the bathroom passcode is 12323, if you ever find yourself here. it's called -- what's it called -- "urban space." LMliterallyFAO. go offfff. anyway, i've found myself here, listening to "around the world (la la la)" by touch of class over the speaker system, because i just went to physical therapy nearby for this concussion i got last month that kind of derailed my life, randomly, thru a bizarre series of events i will spare you the details of (you really don't want to know, trust me). the physical therapy was during my workday, and i was hungry after, so i walked over here afterward to eat and write my third story (my day job is in reporting, if you've ever wondered). i got a hot chocolate with a shot of espresso and a spinach and cheese croissant, and then sat at the window bar i'm sitting at now to do my third story. instead, i am blogging, which is much better.
i've been having a rough time with processing the main event that came out of the Concussion Events, so today was a pretty hard day for me before i left the house. it's gotten easier because of the kindness of strangers. the receptionists at the physical therapist's office were so lovely -- loose and relaxed, all laughing together under warm lighting. the one who checked me in had beautiful hair, a light copper color, braided. she handed my card to her coworker, who flubbed scanning it, gave it back to me, then noticed her coworker's error, and said, 'i'm so sorry, i'm going to need your card again because someone doesn't know how to scan--' and her coworker started laughing, and she laughed too, and she said, 'sorry, we're just a mess in here,' and while she was scanning the card for her coworker, i chatted with a third receptionist, saying, 'it's nice to see people having a good time at work, like, if we were at the dmv...' and she widened her eyes in understanding and then rolled them and gestured was like, 'girl --' and we both started laughing, and she said, 'they are always so angry in there! like, anywhere you go -- you could be in new york, you could be in california, you could be in minnesota, they will just be so mad--' and i said, 'furious,' and she said, 'and for what? like, you have such an easy job--' and then the first receptionist gave me my card back and smiled at me and thanked me, and i smiled at them both and said, 'appreciate it, thank you, take care,' and they said, 'take care.'
then the man who opened the door to the physical therapist's office had exceptionally kind eyes.
and then at "urban space" (i still literally can't believe it's called this but whatever), i went to the coffee shop stall, and the young attendant was taking a selfie with a bouquet of flowers and said, 'hiii.' i said, 'hiii!' i ordered, and she made me my hot chocolate with a shot of espresso, and i noticed that she drew one of those lovely leaves in foam on the top. i said, 'oh, you made it all nice for me!' and she said, 'girl, you know i had to. i had to put it in my picture!' and she cracked up and showed me a picture she'd taken, of the bouquet and the hot chocolate, set on top of the white marble counter. i said, 'aww.' i love women, dude. i love being a girl's girl.
urban space is, against all odds, shaping up to be a nice place to be. my mood is lifting. writing this really helped. i'd noted in an entry that i have since archived that i want this blog to be relaxed and free some of the time and a little more formal and researched at other times, keeping the conversational tone and the spontaneity of rhythm but sourced in ideas i spend a longer time thinking about instead of, like, sourced in the vibe of urban space in union square and my own personal vibes on this illustrious tuesday. it didn't feel very illustrious prior to this moment, but it's feeling more this way now. this tuesday is rising to meet the occasion.
